I Want

I want to be what I want
but difficult
troubled

don't know why this desire is so big but it's hard for me to get started
I always sorry when know time has passed
without me doing anything
I hate to have these desires
I hate to feel this way
I hate my past
I hate my state
I hate those guys
I hate everything
and I also hate myself

if I start I don't have the motivation
if I run the process I also don't have a purpose
if I had a goal I didn't have what the intended
how much I hate myself

why once I was nice?
to you and to them also
I'm sorry

now I just want to start again
still the same, I don't want to start something I want to start